Thursday, September 23, 2010

Epic Query Fail


Since I haven't posted all week I thought I'd end on a funny note. Here's how this came to be...I do quite a bit of thinking just as I'm drifting off to sleep and then I quick grab my pack of post-its and write my ideas down in the dark. I do this nearly every night. I realize it's sort of crazy.

Last night I had a particularly interesting post-it moment. I thought, hey, why not try and make my readers laugh tomorrow? And then the three words Epic Query Fail popped in my mind.

Behold a completely fictitious and completely ridiculous query letter which breaks just about every query rule there is...and then some...ALL for your entertainment.

Happy end of the week!!!!!

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Hi!

I met you at a conference back in 98; I was the one who said you look just like a movie star. Remember me? Well, I’ve written fourteen novels since then and I’ve been working like a dog to get one of these suckers in print. I’ve been rejected by everyone at least once. Ha!

I’ve done a lot in those twelve years. I got married, had a few rugrats – my oldest is a real piece of work, bought a house…then tried to sell it but it wouldn’t sell because of the cat pee smell in our basement and then finally it sold and I bought a new house back in 2001, I lost Sandy – my pet turtle …that was a real tear jerker let me tell you and twelve of my novels are about that spectacular turtle, I put on some weight – got real chubby if you want to know the truth– but then lost it and then dangit put it back again…but that’s a whole novel in and of itself, I visited my Uncle Walter a few times…the man’s a hermit – a weird old hermit who eats French onion dip with a spoon, I came down with the worst cast of the Swine Flu my county hospital ever saw – you should’ve seen me – all sweaty and gray – I even made it on the news for that one – you probably saw it, I lost my job back in 99 – real tough times we had then – ate mac and cheese every damn night – but I’m back to work now so it’s all chicken and steak around here, and like I said, I wrote a whole bunch of novels. No one’s read them but me though. I figured I’d wait for someone who knew what the heck they were doing to read them all. Someone like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha!

If you’re wondering, that’s what’s in the box – it’s all fourteen manuscripts and some pictures of me so you can get reacquainted with me some. There’s one of me and the rugrats, and me and Sandy, then me in front of our first house and my favorite one – me in the hospital. I know you agents are busy so I did the right thing and just made you a copy of each book. You’re welcome. When you’re done reading them all would you mind mailing them back to me? I think it’ll only cost you like $10 and I know you wouldn’t mind because you make a heck of a lot more money than I do. Ha!

I’m sure you’re dying to hear about all of my books. I know you probably want me to explain all fourteen in detail ,but listen, I don’t have time today because our new pet, Fluffernutter, has a pedicure appointment in about an hour. And you know how much raccoons like their nails cut! You’ll have to settle for hearing about just one book. You can call me and I’ll give you the details on the other thirteen – my home number is (511-511-5111) and my cell number is (311-311-3111) and in case you can’t reach me on those two numbers here’s my wife’s cell (312-312-3122) and my oldest son’s (313-131-3123). I think you’ll definitely be able to reach me!

So my one book is about this turtle named Sandy (you know why) and she isn’t like any other turtle in the whole entire world. She’s a runner. So she’s got a mom who is really slow and a dad who is really fast. That’s where she got her fastness from. And she has four brothers who are really slow and four sisters who are really fast. They fight all the time over how fast and slow they all are. Sometimes the fights end up with them having a race. Those are the really page turning parts – the races. One race the brothers win and then another race the sisters win. It’s really, really, really exciting, trust me! Then at the end Sandy dies.

I know the Sandy books would make a blockbuster movie series. I’m pretty sure they would be bigger than Harry Potter and Twilight combined, because who doesn’t like turtles? I’m sure you have a million contacts in Hollywood so I’m going to let you take over what I’ve already started. I’ve written to every Hollywood studio probably fifty or sixty times – I did get a response from Universal. Well, it wasn’t actually from them, it was from the police department asking me to stop writing. I figured it was because they had already started writing the script and they didn’t need any more letters. So I stopped, but I haven’t heard from them in a while. I’m going to give you a little bit of advice on the movie deal stuff. We’ll be a team soon, right?! After I sign with you I think you should reach out to Universal first to see what progress they’ve made. I already have my outfit picked out for the movie premier – you’ll see!! Ha!

Oh, I forgot to tell you that I’ve also written thirty seven picture books because we all know how easy they are to write. Thirty of them are about Sandy the turtle. They’re in the box too so you can read them all. I know you’ll love them because who doesn’t love picture books about turtles? Ha!

I can’t wait to talk to you. Call me. Oh and I was thinking I’d take a drive to the big city and stop by your office for a visit. I got your address online and already have the directions printed out. Who am I kidding, I’m already packed! I’ll bring more pictures of me and Fluffernutter – you’ve never seen a cuter raccoon in your life, trust me. And I’ll bring my Aunt Florence’s fruit cake and we can have iced coffee with whipped cream and straws like all the fancy people do.

Your favorite new client,
Cluey Less

p.s. I was thinking I could just crash at your house while I visit because money’s been a bit tight, what with my younger son’s arrest and all. I guess he’s a piece of work too. I’ll tell you his story when I see you. Kids! Ha!